As We Are
by thatswhyyyoudont
Summary: Shizuo x Izaya slash. Izaya has been acting funny.


Izaya has been acting funny. When he runs into Shizuo – and his wide eyes seem to suggest that it is just that, running into him, not laying strategically in wait for him – he would laugh and tease the other man, but he never prolonged the chase anymore. He would disappear before Shizuo was even out of breath. His words have less bite, his smile less of an edge. Shizuo doesn't trust him. Something's up.

It's weeks of this before he finally corners Izaya. He has managedthis before and the flea has always somehow slipped away, so he doesn't get too excited.

Izaya is grinning now as Shizuo backs him up, but it doesn't quite meet his eyes. Shizuo advances until Izaya's back hits the wall, and he laughs like a switch has been hit.

Shizuo feels his blood beat at that laugh. "How many times do I have to tell you- "

"I know, I know," Izaya harps, rolling his eyes. "Stay out of Iikebukuro. Can't you come up with something more original, Shizu-chan? This is getting stale."

"I agree," Shizuo hisses, close enough to see the hint of teeth in Izaya's smile. "How about I kill you? That'd be pretty original."

His fist draws back his fist when hands fly at his face, pulling him in, and then Izaya is kissing him. Shizuo's cheeks are cold with the steel of Izaya's rings, his head filled with the hot, hot taste of Izaya's mouth.

"You," Shizuo breathes, when they draw back for air. His hands have come to rest on the wall, at either side of Izaya, for balance. "You're disgusting."

"Yes," Izaya presses up against him. "Why don't you call me something dirtier?"

"This is a new low, even for you."

He gets his hands on the flea's arms round his neck, intending to break them off, but then the flea kisses him again and, well, it's not quite as simple as that.

* * *

It is Shizuo who instigates it next time. He doesn't even try to fight it. He drags Izaya into the nearest out-of-the-way alley, and Izaya doesn't do much to stop him.

It somehow becomes almost routine from there.

"Y'know," Izaya stutters the next time, when Shizuo worms his hand into his pants. "We wouldn't have to be this quiet if we went somewhere private."

Shizuo growls in response. He knows they have to go somewhere private at some point, unless they want to be the talk of all of Ikebukuro, but taking it out of alleyways will make it real, and that's the last thing he wants.

His nails dig into Izaya's hips, and the other man groans, and he feels himself wavering on that sound alone.

"Your place," he hears himself saying.

He wants to hear more.

* * *

He doesn't now how it develops so easily from there, the two of them showing up at each other's apartments whenever they feel like it. The flea still taunts him, still patronises him, but there is less bite to his words, and he more than makes up for it when they're not talking. Shizuo gets used to him singing songs he knows Shizuo hates in the kitchen, to finding dark chocolate and strong coffee in the cupboards, things he never buys.

Four months fly. He waits for the thrill to wear off, but it never does. His rages are better than ever. If it weren't the flea, Shizuo could almost think it could go somewhere.

"Shizu-chan," Izaya says one night when they are getting dressed, and Shizuo lets the nickname slide when he sees his face. "I think we should stop this."

Shizuo's shoulders relax. "Yeah, me too. Every damn day. Doesn't mean we will."

For once, Izaya doesn't seem to have a comeback. He simply stares Shizuo out.

"What?" Shizuo says impatiently. A little doubt slithers through the back of his mind, that he'd been too rough, that he'd gone too far, when Izaya says,

"Don't be mad."

Shizuo's eyes narrow. He feels the old rage, one he hasn't had for a while now, building inside him. "What?" he growls. "What is it? What have you done? Don't tell me you – have something?"

They have never bothered with condoms.

"What? No! God." Izaya rolls his eyes.

"Well, what then? Are you married? Pregnant? Why are you looking like that?"

Izaya doesn't laugh. He waits long enough for Shizuo's heart to pound. Then he drags his eyes back to Shizuo's.

"I'm dying."

It is so bizarre, so unexpected, that Shizuo almost laughs. Then he keeps looking at Izaya and he doesn't do anything. The air constricts his throat.

"I…I only thought it would be a one time thing, us fooling around. I didn't think it would go on this long. I think we - "

"How long?" The question breaks out without help from his brain.

Izaya laughs, bitter and quiet, and Shizuo knows it's really happening. "How long have I known, or how long have I got?"

He bolts, predictably, when Shizuo starts throwing things. He knew, the whole time, he knew and he hadn't said anything. He had two months to live.

* * *

When he's calm, or when he can at least breathe, Shizuo calls the flea, but gets no answer. His texts go ignored. He has to talk to someone.

Shinra knew. Of course he did. He confirms Izaya's words. Two months.

"It's sad. He's all right, underneath. He's actually done a lot for me over the years. Celty, too. We keep trying to reach out to him and invite him over, but he won't have it."

* * *

 _-Can I see you?_

No response. The flea hasn't been seen in Ikebukuro. He has hardly even been mentioned by anyone. He has apparently been winding down his affairs over the past few months. The thought makes him wince. He sends another text.

 _-I won't hurt you. I won't go mad._

Nothing. Shizuo has given up for the night when there's a knock on his door. The flea pushes past him before Shizuo can barely meet his eye.

"Let's get this over with, I'm a busy man," Izaya drawls, swanning into the living room as if he owns it. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. Like I said, I just thought it would be a one time thing. I wasn't intending to mess with you, for once."

"Sit down."

Izaya rolls his eyes, but does as he's told.

"Are you going to do anything?"

"You mean like go to Disneyworld, swim with dolphins?"

"I don't think they have that as Disneyworld."

Izaya smiles. "Good, at least I've taught you to have a sense of humour."

An uncomfortable silence settles.

"I'm not doing anything," Izaya says eventually. "I don't want to. I've tied up everything with work, spent some time with my family, paid for my funeral."

Shizuo stares at him. He says it as casually as paying for pizza.

"Have you told your parents?"

"No."

"Why?"

"I don't want to. I just want to go on."

Typical flea. Typical coward. Even as he thinks this, Shizuo can't bring himself to say it. He sits beside the flea.

"Let's not get awkward about it. It's just the way it is. I'll stay out of your hair from now."

"You don't have to."

Izaya eyes him warily.

Shizuo takes a breath. "We can go on as we were."

Izaya's eyes darken. "Thanks, Shizu-chan, but I don't need any pity fucks."

"It's not pity," he snaps. "You know I wouldn't do that."

A little silence falls. Izaya won't look at him. "I don't think it's a good idea," he says at last.

Shizuo shrugs. "Well. If you change your mind."

Izaya says nothing, but he doesn't leave.

* * *

"That was horrible," Izaya snarls, after they fuck, and it was, with the knowledge of it hanging over them like a curse.

"It wasn't so bad," Shizuo says.

He almost expects Izaya to storm out there and then, but he stays the night, and comes back the next night, and they try to pick it up from there.

* * *

Izaya keeps up appearances, dancing around the city with his ears everywhere, even though he doesn't do anything with the information anymore.

He teases Shizuo, brushes off anything he doesn't want to talk about, which is all of it.

"If you don't want to deal with it, leave."

But it is Izaya who is not dealing with it, not him. Shizuo deals with it every moment he is awake.

They have raging fights and even harder fucks, and at some point start skipping the nights that they don't sleep together.

Sometimes Izaya gets distant, looks away from him and moves around whoever's apartment they're in in blankets when he can't sleep, and Shizuo can see he's scared, but if he pushes too hard he knows Izaya will bolt, and they will be back to square one for several days.

One Sunday, when Izaya hasn't slept well, Shizuo leaves him in bed while he gets up. He leaves because he's pleased to see the flea finally relent to a lie in, to finally have some peace, but becomes slightly alarmed when it passes 12.

He goes back into the bedroom, and can see by Izaya's breathing that he is awake. He doesn't move, though Shizuo knows he knows he's there.

"Are you getting up today?"

"No," he says. "No, I don't think I will."

Izaya gets up around 5, to shower and brush his teeth, and then gets back in bed. Shizuo asks if he wants him to call Shinra.

"Nope. Nothing's wrong. I'm just not getting up."

* * *

By Monday morning, he is the same. Shizuo stalls for as long as possible getting ready for work, eventually gives in and asks him.

"Are you getting up today?"

"No."

"Come on, you can't do this. You said you wanted to go on as normal."

No response.

"Get up, flea."

"I'll get up tomorrow."

"Why tomorrow?"

"Because."

* * *

When Shizuo gets home from work, his bathroom stinks of bleach, and Izaya has a wastepaper basket beside his bed.

"I'll buy you a new one." Izya gestures to it weakly.

Shizuo drops at to his side. "You should have called me! Why didn't you call?" He want to shake him, but Iizaya looks too weak for it.

"It's only vomit, Shizu-chan."

* * *

Shizuo phones Shinra, who only confirms the symptoms he'll towards the end. He seems unsurprised at their relationship, or their closeness, or whatever they have. A hospital cannot do anything for him, so there wouldn't be much point in taking him unless he wanted it. Shinra offers Shizuo his condolences and his more medical, stronger cleaning products, and hangs up.

* * *

The next time Shinra calls, Shizuo can tell by his tone that he is frowning. He and Celty had called twice now, rather delicately, to offer their condolences, and each time, Shizuo had told them that he wasn't dead.

"He's walking around?" Shinra repeats for the third time.

"Yes," Shizuo responds for the third time, eying Izaya, who is digging through the kitchen cupboard in his underwear. He is frighteningly thin, hipbones sharp and pale, the skin under his eyes purple. "And now he's eating, apparently."

Izaya turns to roll his eyes at him.

He is heading back to bed, 73% dark chocolate in hand, when Shizuo stops him by the wrist.

"Shinra wants to talk to you."

Shizuo hears him answer the same questions he did. He goes very still, stops eating.

"Well, you didn't say that before." His face is hard. "I don't want more tests. There's no point."

He hangs up promptly and goes back to bed.

Shizuo follows him in, and Izaya doesn't even look at him.

"Shinra's being stupid," is all he says. He aims the rest of the chocolate at the bin, misses and rolls over.

"Izaya," Shizuo says, as carefully as he's able. "If he thinks it's worth having more tests…"

Izaya pulls the covers over his head and doesn't move. After a moment they begin to shake. Shizuo retrieves the half wrapped chocolate from the bin and places it beside the bed. Then he goes out in the hall to call Shinra. No answer, not from Celty, either. If they have any sense, they'll be on their way over.

* * *

The doctor arrives red faced, hair mussed from the helmet.

"Sorry we took so long, we went to the wrong apartment. Just how many places does that guy have anyway?"

He pushes past Shizuo and takes his bag straight into their room. _His_ room, he thinks, pointlessly.

After hearing them talk and nothing like Shinra being killed, Shizuo decides to leave them to it. He makes Celty coffee.

"Does he really think there's a chance?"

 _Apparently. He's seen this before, in very rare cases. The general protocol in hospitals is to not inform patients of this chance unless they exhibit the symptoms, because there's no point. But, Izaya's getting up again, he's stopped throwing up, right. That's really unusual. His bloods should hopefully tell Shinra something._

Shinra comes back like a kid that's seen his first osprey.

"It's looking so good," he says. "I could only do the basic tests, obviously, but it confirms my suspicions so far. He has to go to the hospital tomorrow for an x-ray and more tests. You'll take him, right, Shizuo?"

"Yes, but," he lowers his voice, aware Izaya can still hear every word. "How's he taking it?"

"Ah," Shinra's smile finally folds on itself. "Not exactly cooperatively. He doesn't believe me."

* * *

"Just don't get your hopes up," Izaya says to him in the car, en route to the hospital. He keeps repeating over breakfast, in the car park, through the corridors, and Shizuo suspects it is for his own benefit as much as Shizuo's. "If you get your hopes up and they're wrong, or I've just got an extra year or whatever, it'll kill you."

Odd choice of words. Death is so easily referred to. Shizuo is beginning to think his hopes will kill him anyway, regardless of whether they're fulfilled or not. He never considered for a moment that Izaya would get to stay alive.

Shizuo doesn't know whether Izaya still doesn't believe it when he gets the results. He simply sits there and stares. His jaw is tight.

"Come back in a month, just in case," they tell him. "We can see it's already receding. Your body is fighting it. Come back before then, if you want to check your progress."

Izaya doesn't speak until they're home.

"I'll go back in a month."

He says this carefully, as if he's been weighing up the decision, as if it will have any effect on what happens. Then he goes to his office and starts calling people.

* * *

Who knew, as many people liked Izaya as hated him. And strangely, a lot of them tended to be the same people. Shizuo was hearing stories, from friends and online strangers alike, of favours Izaya had done, for all the times he had rendered his services without charging, defended someone from a bully, mocked someone mercilessly before finally, often secretly, offering them just the solution they needed.

He spends less time in the apartment, less and less each day, and Shizuo wonders if, now he's not dying, that will be it. Izaya still refuses to talk long term about anything, as if afraid of jinxing his body, and Shizuo can't bring it up, furious as it makes him, the thought of Izaya going back into his life and leaving Shizuo a mess.

They still don't talk much, but they start having sex again, have to start going to bed and waking up earlier to make time for it, and the bed shakes with all the things they don't say.

* * *

The day after Izaya gets his predicted monthly result, he calls Shizuo at work.

"So my family have finally got wind of what's happening."

" _What's happened,_ " Shizuo wants to amend, but he doesn't dare.

"So I'm going to stay with the parents for a few days."

* * *

It is quiet without Izaya, even though they hadn't been talking, even though this time last month, he'd seemed more quiet than he was alive.

He is relieved to get a call from Izaya, when a little female voice assaults his ears.

"Are you dating Izaya?"

"Huh?"

He hears the phone being passed over, and then a slightly different female voice says, "You're the one who always calls."

He groans. Either Izaya's sisters are very devious, or Izaya is less careful about the security of his personal cell than the others.

"Where is Izaya?" he asks.

"In the shower."

He has no idea which of them talks when.

"So, are you?"

Shizuo sighs. He doesn't know what they are. "Why don't you talk to him about it?"

"Oh, we will. But we think you should come over."

"We want you to come over."

"And bring your brother."

"Yeah!"

"Aren't you having family time?" He cuts in.

There is a little squeal, and then Izaya is talking. "Shizuo?"

"Hi."

"Miss me?" He hears more squealing, followed by what sounds like a door closing.

"You really shouldn't leave your phone lying around."

"I miss you too, protozoan."

* * *

Izaya gets back in the middle of the afternoon, when Shizuo hasn't been expecting him. He'd been getting used to only seeing Izaya in the evenings, if then.

"My sisters may call you and pester you. Just a heads up."

"OK." Shizuo says slowly. He waits for Izaya to elaborate. "What did you tell them?"

"I told them…that I'm going to talk to you."

Shizuo breathes in. This is it, this is where it ends. And he can't even feel angry. He's only numb.

"Now that things are…better…" He's avoiding Shizuo's eyes, the way he always does when he doesn't want to say something. "Do you want to move in with me?"

"What?" This is so unexpected, his tone is harsh, and Izaya blinks at it a little.

"I just, I mean, I'm here all the time anyway, or you're there, and it's hard for me to go back and forth now I'm working again. I'd prefer if we got somewhere in Ikebukuro – I have way too many books to keep here – but I don't mind if you want to move into my place. And I know there's always a chance it could come back and I didn't think I should ask, and I know it's weird even without all that, but- "

"It's OK," Shizuo cuts him off. He doesn't even have to think about it.

Izaya looks at him.

"Yes, I want to. Your place, a new place, wherever."

Izaya's shoulders sink with relief. Then he tries to harden his eyes. "You know it can come back, right? I don't care what they're saying. These things always seem to come back."

"It's OK," he says again.

Izaya's shoulders relax fully. "OK, then."


End file.
